Green about her gills

Trust.

2010-03-02T07:39:00.001-08:00

lately ive been thinking about trust, and where it comes from and how we as humans find the means to objectives to maintain it.
unfortunately, and often unbeknownst to the majority of the populous, it is my opinion that a person, or we as people unintentionally decide who they want to trust from the moment they meet them.
based on nothing more reliable than my own meandering experience, if you meet someone, develop feelings of friendship or other fondness, and are hesitant to actually *WANT* to trust someone because you have been hurt in the past; you will FIND reasons to not trust them.

In my personal experience, your subconscious will unintentionally and parenthetically CREATE reasons and prove theory's from circumstances within your outlook to justify this. i find this to not only be counter productive , but in the end, you will inevitably come out on the losing end. beit hurt feelings, or "wow that really happened"
illegitimate way of recovering from past bad experiences. though you may have thought you were justified in finding the person you have grown to care about you will lose. you cheat yourself.

exonorated

2010-03-02T06:29:00.000-08:00

Apparently, shoveling gravel/large and medium sized rocks from the flight line onto the gator (small ATV like vehicle with 6 wheels) for three and a half hours has caught up with me. not only am i sore all over, but my tailbone hurts :(

leave it to me to find the positive in this; as fortunately for me,. i am rarely unable to recognize the "beauty from pain"
shoveling all of that damned gravel gave me all the time to think that i could ask for.

So i thought....and i thought, and i analyzed....and true to the kayla that you all know and love, you can bet your paws that i OVER analyzed. The more i thought, analyzed and over analyzed, i began to rationalize that i need to yet again emanate building up certain walls in which to protect myself from all of the ugliness in the world. the repulsiveness that comes from misunderstandings, people, accusations,situations....so i am electing to do something different. i am going to "do me". My heart cant afford to even think about doing anything else. At all.

While my family will still be my main focus, i have absolutely no business seeking out ridiculousness such as romance any time soon. apparently this is something i had learned the hard way after something i experimented shortly after my failed marriage.

I suppose i am just finding reasons in which to channel the happiness that's been hiding in my back pocket lately because i have so much to take on this year. This is the year of surprises, new beginnings, forgiveness, and new challenges. I am nowhere near focused on affairs of the heart. I now have far more important things to think about.

I chose the person i married, and we all know how well that worked out for me,so this time i am letting God choose my soul mate.

I am just so blessed with a realistic yet positive outlook, and this is mostly due to the fact that these past few months, i have overcome a plethora of ludicrous bullshit. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie, including personal relationships with certain people, as in the past few months i have found it ineffective to beat a dead horse. When things arent meant to be, they just arent meant to be.
No matter how bad the heart might want it to be.

I've come to recognize that the person God chooses for me will be a better fit than the last person i married. He will be emotionally strong, authoritative when the need arises, affectionate, and perhaps a little cheesy. I'm so over giving myself to others who saturate my heart with their watered down affections. I should be told i kick ass on a regular basis, and i should expect nothing less of what i give. Which has been the case in the past.
I am kayla, and a little affection goes a long way with me.
but lately, a LITTLE MORE AFFECTION goes further.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

2010-02-17T03:22:00.000-08:00

it's the little things that get me missing him. Teeny little things that you wouldnt expect. Last week i was watching tom and jerry, and just seeing the character tom make this super cheesy kissy face reminded me of him. a day or so ago, a friend taught me to do "tha stanky leg" dance, and again, i was reminded of the inside joke i had with my friend.
Being reminded of a certian someone has the capacity to sting beyond reproach.
i am just missing him.
It's about a quarter mile walk to the shower. Before i lost my very good friend, i would detour to his room on my way to the shower and say a quick hello.

for the past week i've completely avoided my normal route to the shower. just looking in the general direction of my friends old hooch would tug at my heart, pushing it to the bottom of my colon. (which, for the record, is quite a distance further than it's normal resting place).
I had been opting for an alternate route, to avoid any further pain brought on by memories in passing of our developed friendship throughout the entire duration of training and deployment.
Last night, i swallowed my sadness, took a deep breath, and elected to take my "normal" route to my evening shower, right past his hooch.
And i was alright.
I didnt feel pain.
The tug at my heart was because i *missed* him. It wasnt hurt.it was love. What the heck was i so afraid of?
Swallowing my sadness and walking *past* it, not around it, helped me to say goodbye to the memory of a good friend.
because that is what he wishes to remain.

aaaaaaaaaaand we're back in business

2010-02-17T00:55:00.001-08:00

..it would seem that i am finding my way back to happiness, one teeny step at a time.

......things that made me happy this week:
1) getting a box of BANANA BREAD oatmeal to go :)

2)finally walking past an old friends room, and saying goodbye to a fond memory of the friendship i once had with that person.
3) a good friend (jones)cheering me up with a single gesture, buying me a monster "khaos", because i absolutely refused to fork over four dollars :) i typically dont drink energy beverages, but this one is GOOD!!! id had it twice before (within the last 4 years) and well...the gesture made me blush :)
4)CHANGING MY PROFILE SONG (with help!) it's dedicated to that certian friend

i think i am on my way to beating these blues ive been having!!!

music continues to be the bain of my existence

2010-02-14T04:38:00.000-08:00

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

ode to h

2010-02-13T05:09:00.000-08:00

The inexorable and unrelenting distortion of sunshine

this is not a blog about the explosions, mortar attacks,zero days off, 16 hour work days or mass casualties, it is about the drama of being one of 5 females in a deployed unit.

The inexorable and unrelenting distortion of me began with something as assassin as being made the first example of the entire unit.

On our fifth day in theater,our unit returned from a mission at 2100. The entire mechanic shop was involved in repairing a very badly battle damaged tactical vehicle. We didn't wrap the project up until around 330 am, and a fellow army buddy that I hadn’t known more than a week was leaving around 6am the same morning. He told me to call him, so he could be up and ready to pass down some misc. items he thought i might be able to use, as well as give me some music.

Directly after leaving the shop, I followed a fellow coworker (whom I would never stretch as far as to call a friend of any sort, but nevertheless was gracious enough to let me follow him to his room to borrow his thumb drive tp his room, and Around 3:45 am, I arrived at my fellow army buddies room.With the door open,i sat in his chair, and selected music from his computer to transfer to the thumb drive. among other misc. items, he gave me a clean set of his army PT gear. (i thought my fellow buddies would get a kick out of a sailor wearing their PT gear!)Roughly half an hour later i finished up the music transfer and left, to visit my best friend, h.

The following afternoon, i was counseled and told that someone had written a * sworn * statement, reading that i was not only IN my army buddies room *WITH THE DOOR CLOSED*, but apparently, we were going at it for quite some time, and had been so loud that it woke the (said) person.

The very next morning, h informed me i had a DRB to go to.

In my ENTIRE NAVAL CAREER, my professionalism, demeanor, or mannerisms have EVER been called in to question. I soon found myself standing at attention, answering to seven higher up's who were hell bent on forcing me to admit to something i simply hadn't done. I was livid, but remained calm, and decided my truth was more than enough evidence to shame not only my accuser, but the entire review board for ever entertaining such atrocities.

Because i had remained honest and there was no evidence whatsoever that i had done any wrong, the only thing i was called out on was my mere presence in a male hooch (hut/hallway) which unbeknownst to me, was against regulations.

A regulation that while i had to perform a months worth of extra duties for, was changed two weeks later.

My reputation here downspiraled as it never stood a chance after that.

i found it progressively difficult to mask both My vexation and irritation as h dealt with my discredit in the most absurdly unrefined way imaginable. needless to say we were not on speaking terms. while I found it rueful to even look into his general direction, I found myself unintentionally glancing behind me. We had been like peas and carrots before this, and something like this? It simply made no sense at all.

The next few weeks is where I came to Find that the more I hung out with my new friends Ollie and j, the less afflicted I found my heart. Ollie, j and I were the best of friends, who had the capacity to turn any 20 minute dinner into a two hour laughterfest, flled with insurmountable delight.In all honesty, There was rarely a dull moment. My heart still ached to be around my best friend though.

After my former husband told me he was no longer interested in communication of any caliber with me, being around ollie and j proved to be quite the diversion from both my former husbands rejection, and my best friends precariously shifty friendship. Suffice it to say, that my heart went through much more than the average heart should go through in a years worth, and my spirit was disheartened. Whats more, is i never tried to hide it. not from anyone. i simply pushed forward.

In the time that h and i rarely spoke (or only spoke in passing) The only solace i found was with ollie and j. j would take out his guitar and play "puff the magic dragon" for me, when i was especially downhearted, as it was my favorite. Within the previous and passing weeks, I still kept myself going to the gym everyday, and after chow with ollie and j, ollie and i would shoot hoops. After which, i would call home ("home" being my mother). As h and i made progress in our friendship, i would go to his room to hang out after playing hoops.

As soon as h and i were back to normal, it seemed that something had always gotten in the way. Weather it was consoling ollie, (spending time around him after dinner, and what have you), or me being perceived to be "over friendly" toward new friends i had been making,(rogers, in particular) or hanging out with ollie and the EOD guys, nothing i did seemed to make my best friend happy. WHICH STANK. it was almost as if i had to no longer speak to my friends to appease him.

Two weeks ago, he found me in a compromising impassioned frenzied arrangement with my good friend j, and he swore he would never speak to me again. Less than a week later we were better friends than ever, who overcame the most merciless misunderstandings.

Two evenings ago, i popped my lunesta for the first time, and went to grab something to eat with it from the chow hall so i wouldn't make myself sick. I was invited to a friends room to watch a movie. My intent was not to stay for a prolonged period of time, but my medicine kicked in much sooner than i had expected, and after curfew i was awakened by my chain of commands knock on my friends door. apparently i had been knocked out cold, and was in a deep amount of trouble.

Last night, i found myself once again, standing at attention in front of the very same higher ups that tried to fry me in the beginning. At the position of attention, i had no excuse other than "i fell asleep" to explain myself with.

Sure, it was automatically assumed that i was in a comprimising situation, and took advantage of my "assets", but i can rest knowing that from the beginning, these bastards tried to break my spirit.

though they curbed my enthusiasm for a great while since our arrival in theatre, they only strengthened my resolve.

And my best friend is gone, to boot. Someone with whom i shared so much of myself, i will never see again.

To this very day, he remains an oblivious impenetrable figure in my life whom i care for more than i should, and is seemingly impervious to my adulation for him.

To this day, I still have to look over my shoulder as to ensure my urine stream doesn’t falter in its direction, or the next thing I know, ill be standing at attention once again, accounting for using too much toilet paper.

a most recent misunderstanding, coupled with broken dreams and being in this war zone have finally caught up with me.

2010-02-05T20:44:00.000-08:00

despondency.

indiscriminate intonations in voices affect my tear ducts in abashedly substantial ways.
alone i walk.

comprehensive rationalizations of such recent crass dissention haunt my every breath
admonishing me of my lifes most recent pain with every blink of my eyelids.
alone i ponder.

running out of glue, i am broken once again.
annihilated aspirations leave remind me of my birth.

i came into this world alone.
alone i will leave.

alone i walk

My week summed up in quotes:

2010-01-29T05:24:00.000-08:00

MONDAY:

(when assigned to work in "the office")

Gastley: "my ex husband is a smartass, that’s why. And Im on my period, so I don’t feel like dealing with him"

Me: "oh, ok. I'll try my hardest to not be a smartass this week, I'd want to be the very last person to piss you off"

Gastley: "oh honey you are a completely different breed of smartass. You're an innocent smart ass."

(((is there any such thing?))

*scratching head*

This week summed up in quotes:

TUESDAY:

"It's just one (mortar) round, I dunno why everyone's flipping out....well, I mean, they _did_ get through the ECP (entry control point) so I guess theres some cause for concern, seeing as how our FOB (forward operating base) is one mile in diameter, but seriously I don’t see why its such a big deal." --(this person shall remain nameless :)

WEDNESDAY:

"1032 hours or 3715200 seconds, but whos counting?" ----jason w.

THURSDAY:
"the world is a mess of trouble and problems we just cant wait for you to come home at least you will put a little sunshine in everyones lifes because you are sweet and you make us happy"----auntie maryanne

Adventures in the porta potty

2010-01-29T05:11:00.001-08:00

Porta potties are the main bathroom for we deployed folk.

So no shit there I was.....

With my disinfectant in hand, ready to "take care of business". Upon spraying the seat down and taking my seat, there was a polite knock.

"someones in here" I said, V E R Y L O U D L Y.

Taking a deep breath, about to get down to business, someone pulled at the locked door, enough to unlock it. Seeing as how it is a latch lock, and damned near impossible to unlock from the outside, I was flabbergasted that it would seem that one needed to use this plastic toilet so much that they would intrude on someone elses privacy, and as they proceeded to O P E N the door, they said "oh, sorry"

As I closed the door once again, they CONTINUED TO PULL ON IT! I was so astounded at this (polish soldiers)audacity, I was unable to utter any resemblence to an audible response, and found that the only thing I * was * able to do, was to prop my left foot up onto the inside wall, and hang onto the door handle for dear life. AND HE KEPT TUGGING!!!

This thirty seconds seemed to last forever. As I deduced that I was finished with my business, and stood up (still clutching the door) The tugging stopped.

WTH

where in the world is sunshine, and what the heck is she doing??

2010-01-22T04:27:00.000-08:00

I am loved by many. I am a Sister, a daughter, a niece, an aunt, and a friend.
I am also a believer.
Though you have done your best to illustrate your support of my being deployed to the "middle of nowhere, afghanistan" i am not certain that any of you actually understand what my team is doing.
I am going to attempt to help you to thoroughly assimilate my teams mission, along with our cause.

For the last two and a half years, I have studied the history of the insurgency and (former) Taliban Government in Afghanistan and i have appraised the modern shadow governance established to undermine the emerging government of the Islamic Republic of Afghanistan. In my studies, I have found myself looking more at the concept and history of "world mafias"; more so than political sciences. A commonly held ideology among the insurgency, and some members of Afghan government, is that, he that carries the bigger stick is the one who commands the most respect. This idea accompanies the age old "if you rule by fear and brutality people will respect you and eventually love you", which is very much similar to the controversial studies of Harry Fredrick Harlow at Goon Park to understand the social dynamics driving this idea.

Looking beyond this illusion from the present perspective of the man on the street; in the game of day to day survival you use what tool leads to the desired outcome with the least amount of resistance. To put it simply; the people don’t love the government; nor do they love the Taliban or the shadow government. For example; in some places the Taliban provide swift and brutal justice if a crime is committed. Where the government judicial systems often take long periods of time to find a resolution and are too often prone to extortion and bribery. On the other hand, government budgets and community developments provide infrastructure where Taliban ideals work strongly against it.

Contrary to common belief Afghanistan also has a wealth of resources that could easily support a strong and stable economy; if the infrastructure existed within Afghanistan to capitalize on it. One need only consider the impact that would have on surrounding southwestern Asian countries that “may or may not” be making significant amounts of money exploiting those resources; using the Afghan people as ‘cheap labor’; if you will. It is no wonder that certain insurgent groups target contractors supporting the development of infrastructure and political officials moving toward national solidarity.

Though the citizens of afghanistan command great wisdom that should never be underestimated; the lack of education and literacy that is prevalent in so many parts of the country has generated a playground for insurgents and warlords. They hemorrhage educated people to other countries with security and strong economies leaving some vital positions of government to be filled by those lacking sufficient qualifications and the ability to research better practices of ethical governance.

The average person is more likely to gravitate toward insurgent cells that would provide something practical and palpable as opposed to the promise of a supportive government or future jobs. Some insurgent groups will offer paid positions, support and influence narcotic addictions or even offer a free motorcycle, an AK-47 and the freedom to steal shipments of goods moving into population centers controlled by the government.

Though the exact statistics will not be tallied any time soon; I would venture to guess that more than 70% of the Afghan people supporting the insurgency have a loyalty based strictly on a monetary need; 10% are actually fighting what they believe is a holy war; and 20% do it for fame, power, status, freedom of movement, or some other form of utility.

Before we recognize the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, let’s examine some misguided perceptions people have had in our approach to counter insurgency in Afghanistan.
First, the coalition forces, the Taliban, the mafias, the warlords, the insurgents or the drug lords will not win the fight for Afghanistan’s sovereignty; it will be the people of Afghanistan who will accomplish this. The clumsy footsteps of our troops go crushing blossoms on the very ground we step… The people of Afghanistan know who belongs in their villages and who doesn’t. It is they, who see only increased brutality of the insurgency.
That's my team's mission.
We call ourselves the "Provincial Reconstruction Team" (Which for those of you who care to send me snail mail is what PRT stands for) and we are here to not only assist, but to lead the future of afghanistan to have a voice, and a choice. It is time for them to choose between the brutality of the Taliban and a divided kingdom, or the hope of a country of their own where they can have a voice.
During the Afghan Presidential Election the Taliban created ruthless threats to cut off the fingers of anyone who was found with ink on their finger. In some villages they threatened to go into homes and shatter the legs of anyone that was seen going to polling sites. During the Elections, only two rockets were fired at our base while innocent Muslim people and the police protecting them; who chose to have a voice in their government, filled the Ghazni hospitals and our post clinic. More than half of the people actually driven and flown to our fob for medical care sustained life threatening injuries, and were not allowed into the gate because either they had only moments left before they were expired, or had expired on the way to us. A quarter of the citizens actually brought inside of our medical clinic,(and the common areas that we had to sqeeze into our common areas left as amputees. I will never forget having to shove my hand inside of the legs of those that i assisted in amputating, and learning what constituted as "this guys leg needs to come off" being the only alternative to saving the rest of them.

There are many young men who have never left their village. The Hezaran Tribes have noticeably different facial features than the Pashtuns who comprise most of the Taliban. In some areas if the Taliban set up a checkpoint and discover anyone who is Hezaran or Tajik; a tribe from the north; they are removed from the vehicle, beaten and killed. Some of the lucky ones can pay a ransom, that is generally the equivalent of $10,000.00 for their life.
A 10,000.00 that no afghan would have.
A Tajik Afghan Army Officer, traveling with one of our interpreters, was stopped at a Taliban Checkpoint. A cell phone was discovered on our interpreter that had American names in the call log. As they were removing him from the vehicle the Officer told them to stop and that the phone was his. As this ANA officer stepped out of the vehicle he turned to his friends and said, “When you get to Kabul, call my commander. Tell him to call my wife and father and tell them that I won’t be coming home…”. He was then taken to the side of the road where a full AK-47 magazine was emptied into his chest. His body was left as an example to anyone who believed in a government of Afghanistan.

Though the insurgents may host empty claims that we are the cause of this inhumanity. The people have eyes, and it is evidently clear who they truly fear when they walk down the street.The children who chase our vechiles on foot, and on bycicles, waving and cheering.
Afghans are not cowards. They have a proud history of standing up against those that compromise their safety. It is only a matter of time.

Serving on the short HRP (high risk personnel) team, (protecting the commanding officer and other dignitaries) i have had the opportunity to sit down to tea with the president of Afghanistan; and while my job is to keep my eyes glued to the commander, and watch his surroundings,not speaking a word, I have listened as my commander has shared his knowledge with Provincial and District leaders. He has exhausted every shred of his understanding of small business and marketing to help build district economies and provide jobs for young men who have no other means.

Money has no value without virtue. In struggling countries, money has never been the problem or issue. These countries are deprived of men and women with virtue and ethics that can’t be bought. They haven’t known a better way; that they are stronger united than divided.

The citizens of Afghanistan demand a government that supports them. They *want* peace. They *want* security.They *want* industry. The citizens of afghanistan have absolutley no desire to be caught in the crossfire; and they don’t want to be marginalized

The first thing the people need to see is significant political and economic progress in secure, pro government, parts of Afghanistan
However, the military is not the best means of building those areas because we are only built to secure and stabilize the violent areas. NGO’s (Non-Government Organizations) have a tendency to be a long and drawn out pacifier when they fill a need as opposed to supplementing a plan that leads to self sufficiency. This falls on ethical profesionals who can mentor themselves out of a job or develop industrial and economic symbiotic relationships.

When the Afghan people ‘see’ that they are stronger without the Anti-Afghan and Foreign Fighters in their villages we must find a means to allow the People of Afghanistan to remove them. They only need the vision to make the choice. It is their country and their struggle. Whether they like it or not, it is their war. When they are ready to decide we will be here to support them.

That is all. I’d love your opinions on this…

argh

2010-01-20T18:49:00.001-08:00

I am stationed on a polish Forward Operating Base. (fob)
People have always complained in regards to how very impolite and disrespectful they have the tendancy to be. However, it wasn't until i was flown to a different Provence last week that i actually had my very first "rude" polish run in.
Luera and i were having lunch chow. we left our trays with food still on them, and our hats on the table we were sitting at, as i got up to grab some water, and he grabbed some desert.
This chow hall was different, and it was only my second time eating there, so when i went back to "our" table, and saw a group of polish dudes eating there, i was clearly mistaken, and lost.
I looked around other parts of the chow hall, for my tray and my things.
Nope.
So, i went back to "our" table, and low and behold, there was my hat, jacket, AND a table full of polish soldiers.
They had shoved the contents of our table to the middle! my juice was spilled all over my tray and my unfinished salad, and in addition,lueras' tray was upset as well!

i walked up to the table, stared at the soldiers, and pointed to my tray. "um, excuse me, i *AM* sitting here".
"you are finished" they replied.
"no, i am not finished"
To which one of them handed me my hat and coat, and said "you are finished now"
I pulled the chair this chap was sitting on out from the table, and quipped "NO, I AM NOT FINISHED."
They got up and moved (:
the. end ,

all healed up now :)

2010-01-05T23:21:00.001-08:00

Thanks to my support syetem of my closest friends and family, my heart doesnt hurt so much anymore, though it is scared and i do have bad days just like everyone else,
and
"i'm fine again"

i leave you the song and video :)

seether
fine again

It seems like every day's the same
and I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'cause I can't seem to get this through
You say it's over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I'm not scared now.
I must assure you,
you're never gonna get away
And I'm not scared now.
And I'm not scared now.

I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything's gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

hopefull :)

2009-12-26T10:36:00.000-08:00

I am keeping my eyes peeled for someone who would like a general understanding of what he both expects and wants from me from the beginning. No "you should just know (now that i am unhappy with hyou, you should have been a mind reader before upsetting me) Understand that we come from two differient worlds, no matter how similar our sense of humor, or backgrounds are. I would like to find a mr. right who
Some one who is thirsty for success. have at least the desire a ambition to improve their situation. A gentleman it not complacent in their everyday life. Always striving for something...."more" out of life.
Person of their word. Someone who kisses my forehead;and will sweep me off my feet and knock my socks off with random kisses.

I am hoping to find a person who appreciates art and music. Take into account, that when i mention "appreciating art" i am not including "appreciating art" in that "hey lets spend hours some boring musiem with yuppies" way, rather, someone that has the capacity to see a painting, discuss it, and move on. (and purchase it for me perhaps? hehe)

A man who appreciates music in general. Frank Sinatra may not be their favorite, but someone who can listen to my ipod on shuffle, and at least enjoy the variety of my music. At least some of it ;)
I would like to happen upon a romance with a person that is honest and direct.For instance, at the beginning of a relationship (my most previous one, for example)
in the beginning of our affiliation, all expectations are laid out, so there is *ABSOLUTLEY NO QUESTION* concerning boundaries,and the unconventional ways we would repair/solve any encumbrance that should be stumbled upon. In the very beginnig. BEFORE they become issues. Not when things "happen" and things blow up. BECAUSES IT IS MY BELIEF THAT THIS RUINS ANY CHANCE AT A TRUSTWORTHY, REAL, AND HONEST RELATIONSHIP STEMS FROM.
i would love to find someone who notices when i am wearing their favorite perfume. Someone who would like to participate in dorky things with me; someone who will make gingerbread cookies with me.

For once, i would like a person who actually listens when i speak. And gives a shit enough to have an opinion. Someone who cant wait to hear what i have to say. Someone who reads my writing. because he WANTS to know my thoughts. Because he likes knowing my thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, and the mind and heart where they come from. The concentrated version of me.

heart, weakened and vulnerable

2009-12-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

for some reason, i am super disheartened these past two weeks. I go through the day, and for the first time in a loooong time, i feel so alone. abandoned by the person who promised to protect me from the hurt in the When i step off of the plane in san diego, when i am finished doing my work here, where the fuck am i going to live??
additionally, i am missing my family more than ever.
so this song reads/speaks my emotions at this particular point in time.
So i leave you,

45
by shinedown

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
Keep these feelings, no one knows
What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There's no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf, left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

[CHORUS]

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe

quote of the day

2009-12-06T01:31:00.000-08:00

"when i read that u got divorced there was this overwhelming of happiness and hope"
Paul McBean

way to keep it subtle there, beanie!!

THANK YOU

2009-11-25T12:37:00.001-08:00

This Thanksgiving i am truly thankful.
Not only do i have an amazing support system that is comprised of the very best friends and family i could ever hope to have, i am additionally thankful to have both the privilege and honor of being part of this very big world change while i am here in afghanistan.
Which i can say without a shadow of a doubt, is well worth the Gaul it took to volunteer to be a part of, as my marriage was doomed to fail anyhow,regardless of my volunteering to be here. How foolish would i have felt for taking the easy way out of these orders, and still have been abandoned by my former husband?

My mother was probably irritated when i gushed uncontrollably about my new love interest, after the time it took for me to heal before coming home to sign the divorce papers. However,She, Mona, and Tara understood that just because i was abandoned while away at war; i was not going to be an emotional victim of selfishness and ugliness. Even my Teeney little super guy understood that i was more than deserving to stumble upon unintentional happiness. My family and best friends just allowed me to gush uncontrollably, because they actually believed that i deserved to be happy.

I am thankful for my papa jack. His strong, audacious and courageously gallant presence in my life has taught me what to *really* look for in a man. I am thankful for his wife, my grandma nancy, who believes while i am human, that both my intentions and heart are pure. *PURE*. She spent nearly two hours explaining exactly why she is convinced of that during my last visit with her.

I am thankful to my amazing friends.....you are truly the rocks i walk on that keep me above the crocodile and "eel infested"waters that are my life. Whatever trials i stumble upon, you aren't simply "there", you just *ARE*. Your loyalty encompasses my heart, and occupy a permanent residency within my soul; both reminding me that i am loved and assisting my family in making my life worth living.

I am thankful for my god given ability to turn any number of refrigerator and cabinet items into a rare delicacy that is a home made recipe. I am thankful for my ability to be able to take a pan, recipe, and ingredients and create the magic that feeds my friends/loved ones, and the palpable joy that i derive from striving to be able to please others through my actions. I am truly blessed. thank you all!

victor voodre.

2009-11-25T12:24:00.000-08:00

Thank you for everything you have ever done to show your gestures of friendship to me. Thank you for your general and frequent presence in my life.
Thank you for laughing at my cheesy jokes, (those pity laughs count too) and my cheesiness in general.

Thank you for occupying a space in my once happy (if only in my imagination)home, for allowing me the pleasure to cook for you, on countless occasions.

Thank you for hugging me when i cried substantive tears of frustration and crass disappointment as i unequivocally failed my very first attempt at "orange beef", (can someone say "hold the ginger, corn starch, and orange?) while my former husband played his online game. Thank you for buying the pineapple olive pepperoni pizza that same night (because it was my favorite), and for puking 99 bananas (the liquor) in my sink, which cheered me up, because your doing so caught me so off guard that i laughed so hard i shorted some of it through my nose.

Thank you for buying the yellow cake mix when my attempt at yellow/vanilla cake for my first boston creme pie turned into a sad and very dissatisfying cornbread mess.....for showing me how to melt the chocolate for it, and for helping me make my very first boston creme pie.

Thank you for telling me that i didn't have to be courteous and finish a glass of terrible wine which you purchased in Italy that you were kind enough to bring over one afternoon, because you didn't care for it either :)
Thank you. Who knew you would actually grant me the pleasure of being *my* veritable friend. Thank you for your genuine appreciation of me as a person...silliness, dorkiness, faults and all.
And to think....this whole time i didn't think you were too fond of me!

starter wife

2009-11-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

Kenny knew my marriage had real problems of significant magnitude before I knew the things drawing me away from my ex husband were issues of actual tribulation. He credits this toward his being the same age I am now when his former spouse left him. Either way, I didn’t see jons abhorrence leading to the abomination of our marriage coming. Not by a long shot. As friends, we just clicked. We met our first day of training, I giddily divulged the contents of the pollard love story, with a twinkle in my eye, and he listened. When my ex husband would argue with me over the phone after a long and tiring day of training, Kenny would listen to my frustrations. He had been there before. In hindsight, he totally and completely called all of my ex husbands actions…and motives. From the “if he isn’t wanting to make love to you, there is something going on”. Because I believed in my marriage, I deduced his knowledge as unhelpful, as it surely didn’t apply to me, my “husband” had promised right before I left home for training that he had never loved anyone as deeply as me, and upon my returning home, he couldn’t wait to start a family, and we would work through whatever issues that got in the way.

Even still, Kenny was my best friend throughout training. He would pack an extra MRE in his backpack because I would forget, and I would pack extra snacks for him because he was always hungry. He was constantly tickled by my presence, and the silly things I would say or do, and he enjoyed my friendship so much, he would jog roughly one mile through countless thunderstorms on numerous occasions to watch a movie with me in the community all ranks center. Just to be the friend I needed. If I ever needed anything, (help with my gear, re assembling my weapon) I never had to ask. Without hesitation, he was both goaded and delighted to be as helpful as both he wanted, and I needed. For the most part, I served as his comedic entertainment, as there was never a dull moment around me (as my friends and family are more than aware of). For the majority of our training, we mostly associated with no one but each other. Wherever sunshine was, Harrell was sure to be, and wherever Harrell went, sunshine was not far behind. If there was anyone at the same table during chow, it was because of mere coincidence, as the two of us typically required only the company of each other.
One day, I went to the all ranks center by myself, and chatted with jon for a few hours. That evening, around dinner chow time, as I met up with kenny, he asked how the all ranks center was. I told him it was crowded, and asked how he knew I was there. He replied with “I know everything you do”. I was admittedly a little startled, but also fascinated at this friends shrewdness and well informed demeanor.

I listened to his daily gripes and frustrations at the training, and he gave me the confidence I needed to get through the downs of training.
One incident in particular sticks out and reminds me exactly what makes him such an amazing friend after any silly argument we have. I’ll elaborate. It was a super hot and humid day in training, and we were split up into several groups. My horrible luck left me with a team of people I still have a hard time getting along with to this day. To sum it up, they made me look like a complete fool in front of our first sergeant. I ended up keeping to myself for the remainder of the day, and I donned my sunglasses because their cruelty actually hurt me so bad that it brought me to tears. I am not sure how he found out, but at the very end of the exhausting training day, we were standing in ranks waiting for our bus and he VERY LOUDLY just lost his cool, and voiced his discontent regarding their treatment of me aloud. To everyone. All at once. He was so irritated, that it almost made up for my being embarrassed to the point of the previous tears illustrated.
One of my favorite photos of kenny and I was taken on that very day. We sat on the gravel backs propped up against each other having our MRE lunch. He had just noticed that he was apparently out of water in his camelback water pouch, and so he just grabbed the straw to mine, and began drinking my water. That photo alone speaks volumes regarding the comfort level of our friendship.
The efficient thing about our familiarity with one another was the fact that we never really even had to ask for anything from one another. Our enthusiasm in regards to what we chose to do for each other was just never a question. For instance, another illustration comes to mind when I recall the liberalism of our friendship. It rained 90% of our training. Though in hindsight, I am sure running was not an absolute requirement, one morning we had to run to combative training, in a thunderstorm. Upon entering the building, he almost immediately spotted me, and took a Ziploc bag from his uniform pants pocket.he handed me a pair of soft, dry socks which came in handy, because we had been running in the rain, and well, my feet were then cold, and pruny….and the entire two hour class was to be taught and practiced on the mats in socks. “um, what are these for?” I asked, and he quipped back with an irritated “uh, what do you think? Your feet are wet,
right? So hurry up and put them on”

He thought of everything, or so it seemed at least. It was a perfect friendship. I was clumsy, and he was amused. I had good intentions, and he was appreciative. We required very little of each other, other than each others presence.
Today I count myself to still be friends with him. His wife left him after 12 years of marriage when he was 27, and he has been through exactly the same things as I am going through. He passes his wealth of knowledge regarding the similar circumstances, and the different methods of dealing with them. He still looks out for me in every way possible, and I am still grateful to have him in my life, if only as a friend. God knows we wouldn’t dare try anything else. lol

for jon

2009-09-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

break my heart a little more

2009-09-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

Restless tonight
Cause I wasted the light
Between both these times
I drew a really thin line
Its nothing I planned
And not that I can
But you should be mine
Across that line

[Chorus:]
If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldnt that be something

I promise I might
Not walk on by
Maybe next time
But not this time

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

[Chorus x2]

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

Even though I know
I dont want to know
Yeah I guess I know
I just hate how it sounds

20/20 hindsight

2009-09-29T00:42:00.000-07:00

I’ll gladly foot the blame for my first major failure as an adult, my pending divorce.
Perhaps I was so consumed in doing my best to live to please him, thinking that was what a good wife should do. Perhaps I spent too much time in the kitchen, cooking his favorite things from scratch, decorating our home, or customizing the highlights of our life in a scrapbook when I should have been holding him and reassuring him that he was worth more than his self loathing personality allowed him to believe. “you deserve more from your family than table scraps” was a staple saying in our household, when I thought he was being mistreated or unappreciated by his family. Mind you, my stating this was not to demean his family, however for all intensive purposes I was merley attempting to add to his sense of self worth, as I could sense that the hostility between his family and I had been wearing him down.

My heartache is my own fault. When I met him, I knew that he was an unhappy person—but when I was around he smiled. A LOT. I adored his smile so much, that as a friend, and then girlfriend, fiancé, and wife, that i subconsciously made it my collateral duty to make him smile, laugh, giggle—anything to make those beautiful eyes of his sparkle. Hiding behind dark corners and jumping out to scare him soon became a favorite past time for me. Making him happy was all I knew how to do right, apparently. As much as he might like to think otherwise, I succeeded on a daily basis. I know this, as his eyes never lied to me.

I will always remember in great fervor, my cousin jack’s wedding. Their wedding favors included beta fish. I took one, stuck him in a dasani water bottle, took a greyhound all the way back to san diego with a fishbowl and a few rocks in my backpack. After he picked me up and we went back to his apartment, I ran into his bathroom and put the fish in his new bowl with the rocks, and presented (my new boyfriend) jon with his new housewarming gift. The surprised “well that was random, and I like it” look on his face burned my cheeks and I beamed with pride, as he further exclaimed that no one had ever gotten him a pet before, least of all a fish. And so began the exchanging of small gifts, or so I thought, until he one upped me with a snazzy pair of diamond earrings roughly a month later, a few weeks before Christmas. My first pair of diamond earnings!! I was taken aback.

As our relationship evolved and the months passed, I told him my reasons for not liking valentines day, as we had been proving my point from the beginning. We didn’t need to celebrate a day based on propaganda, we did sweet things for eachother all year round.

I suppose that our relationship was too good to be true from the beginning. I would cook, he would clean up the mess I left behind (very willingly, I might add). it was his way of thanks, I deduced.
I took so many good things from our (albeit, short-lived) relationship with him. He taught me patience, and enforced my self-esteem, telling me what an amazing person I was. Which, to this day I am not sure if he meant that. He taught me
At times, (especially these past six months being away from him, and now more than ever) I can still smell the morning I met him. That same familiar scent that continued as I sat in his truck writing him my “one letter everyday” while he was deployed to Afghanistan. I can still smell the morning dew as he would daily walk me to my vechile, and follow me all the way to work, acting as my bodyguard as so no one on the crazy san diego freeway could bully me.

Though we rarely lacked passion, We never actually “made love”. Perhaps we lacked the physical chemistry. Perhaps we just lacked the emotional connection. Since he was the second person I have ever “given myself” to, I now recognize that that I still do not know what “making love” is, except for it being Something I have always been looking forward to.

I suppose that the very few reasons for feeling the sense of relief that I am developing can be owed to two major disappointments in my relationship with him.
The first, being the fact that the little things I did to show I was trying my damndest to make him happy went unnoticed. From the clothes I wore, to the ways I did my hair. Second, that he was so continually distracted that he would forget things. Big things. Things that meant a lot. Still, I accepted him and forgave him without hesitation.

I know I am not the easiest person to deal with at times, my temper has a habit of getting the best of me. But there isn’t one goddamned person that cant attest to the fact that I did everything to please him because pleasing him made me the happiest person alive.

I honestly do wish for him to find happiness within himself, and eventually with another person. He is an amazing man with a talent for technology, and I honestly do believe that if he finds an outlet for which to channel his self-depreciating habits that he will go far in life. But it has to start with him. He can say we fought all of the time as often as he wants to, but in my heart I know it isn’t true.

The times we DID have fights, they were over silly things, or just disappointment.
He DID come home from deployment with PTSD, and it DID affect our relationship, plain and simple. I KNEW he was depressed, but for reasons clearly not up to me, he outright refused to at least follow through with getting it addressed and resolved. So I was left to deal with it, and we would fight, and because he never was treated for it, since I am the only one he fought with, he faults our marriage, and not the condition in which he returned to me. It does sadden me that I do not have him to come home to when I am through here. It breaks my heart, because that was yet another promise that he broke. In conclusion, i have divided that he has always had the best of intentions, he just seriously lacks the effort in which to follow through with them.

I remember how I felt the first time I got to wear his (last) name on my uniform. I was so proud, and excited. I was mrs. Jonathan scot pollard, plain and simple. I took the utmost pride in my engagement, and wedding bands, I was an official married woman. All throughout my training prior to coming here, I took pleasure in bragging about what an extraordinary sailor was, who had a shining service record, and piles of awards.
Even though his nametag burns a proverbial hole in my chest, and I thought broken heart was a metaphor, I still discern that I must push through this with a resolve like no other I have had.
Unfortunately, I am ill equipped when thinking of ways to fault him for the failure of our marriage. In my heart , I know I tried my best, but I suppose my best was not good enough. I did my best to show him what it was like to be put first, and I guess the idea was so foreign to him that it made him uncomfortable, and caused him to push me away. It did seem that the more I put him first, the more we would fight, and then the subject of his family would come up and the fight would turn into dragging each other through the carpet.
That’s about all I can think for now, so I’ll post.

wow.

2009-09-24T18:37:00.000-07:00

what cheers a girl up from her heart being assaulted and her soul being raped quite like.....a zune? right?

My bff albryte came back from his hospital testing (the worst two weeks of my entire deployment) and whats more, he heard my 8 gig ipod was broken , so he came back with a 260 gig ZUNE!
A friend after my own heart, who knows music is my LIFE!
Thanks, albryte!!

divorce

2009-09-22T08:03:00.000-07:00

if anyone noticed, this past week i changed my profile song to "if i fall" an awesome song by the dixie chicks.
Because my husband decided to tell me via email that he wants to terminate our marriage, doesnt want counseling, and he doesnt love me anymore (at all)i can only look up. because after a day of sobbing uncontrollably, and not eating, well, up is the only way you can go.
so i have a new song. as i get my friend to embed it, ill leave you with the lyrics. it s my new anthem :) enjoy, it'll be on my prof. for your listening pleasure within the next day or so.
one positive thing about this pending divorce, is perhaps when its all said and done, i know damn well that i will not be settling for a man with a libido that does not supercede (or match, at least) my own.
so i'm officially on the market, coming to a stateside near you ;)
My gut tells me he hasnt had the courtesey to wait for the divorce to be finalized, to find someone new, but he is still in denial, as he is a smart man. infidelity is not only an ugly word, it is a ucmj article violation, and a career ender. so he's smarter than i give him credit for)
so enjoy the lyrics to my new anthem :) ill be damned if some dude with no class that ive only known five (ouch) years has me moping around all goddamned day.
FYI, next time, i'm marrying for class. and money.

i take it in stride one day at a time,
if i ask no questions i hear no lies,
how come blessings only come in disguise,
i try to emphasize as i vocalize,
aint nothin gunna get between me and flow,
aint nothin gunna come between me and my afro.
my man just left what do ya know,
easy come easy go,
he came out of the blue,
and went right back into it,
he had to forfeit cause he couldnt get with it,
called it quits and when he split
he said he didnt have time for my juvenial bull shit,
ive had enough failed relationships,
i dont get far cause im not equiped
i believe that the world should revolve around me
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the world should revolve around me,
theres only one me in the galaxy,
i am an indangered species,
this kind of flower dont grow on earth
just lettin ya know for what its worth
this kind of action can cause a
not for nothin but what came first
the chicken nugget or the egg mcmuffin
i got talent and i got tits,
i know ill find another guy that wants to get with it,
im not convinced that im a
one mans pleasure is another mans chore,
ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get far cause im not equipped
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me,
i know i rock and what i got is hot,
you know i got alot,
cause all that trippin youve got to stop
before you know it your ass be droppin
in turn with my biological clock,
since i never grow old no,
keep screwin' that bitch from down the block,
i dont need you around i know i rock,
ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get far cause im not equipped,
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me,
ive had alot of failed relationships,
i dont get far cause im not equipped,
i believe that the world should revolve around me,
im to the point of a partnership,
it wont be long till i start to trip,
yes sirr-e the whole world should revolve around me

texts

2009-09-12T16:35:00.000-07:00

in the spirit of not really being allowed to discuss what goes on over here, i'll mirror christina and give you some saved txts.
(yes, they do actually have cell phones here, and so yes, i do get to txt :)

"i agree ask the rest because if they care then no more alcohol and no more zach, but if they don't, then maybe we can hang out at big daddys at least" (gebrurri, in retaliation to my getting in trouble over petty bullshit)

"look your aura is like a happy space with rays of excitement flowing in every direction to where i dont know what is coming next like an open field where you can be yourself if that makes sense, im such a dork lol,,,youre amazing, thats the best word for you" (albryte, describing what it is about me that entertains him)

"if we cant give you the dog we are going to shoot him tonight" (geburri, they were going to kill a stray because they are EOD and never around and it was starving to death)

"is this the number for a good time? when were talking about a good time, are we refering to craigslist good times?" (uyek, when he finally got my number, and was letting me know he had it)

"my day yesterday went as follows : an IED followed by a TIC, then raided a house then another ied" (gaburri, just another day in the life of EOD)

"please dont ask me to sleep with her" (gaburri, in doing me a favor)

"dont give that boy a death wish" harrell, there is this skinny little kid who is like head over heels for me in the mail room and i winked at him one day for giggles)

welcome back, ottie :)

2009-07-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

http://ottimusprime.blogspot.com/2009/07/brief-history-of-how-i-met-and.html

i have missed our friendship. one of the hardest things i've ever had to do was to let you walk back into our friendship. Even harder though,was to watch you walk away. Your friendship means more than i could ever find the words to enunciate.
Your new name "ottimus prime" is the most fitting i can think of. much like the superhero "optimus prime" you are a hero of sorts. You have overcome depression, one of the worst diseases immaginable. I am so honored that you are such a part of my life, as well as jons, and i remember being so proud to introduce you to him, in spite and despite of everything that has involved our friendship. i love you :)