ode to h

The inexorable and unrelenting distortion of sunshine

this is not a blog about the explosions, mortar attacks,zero days off, 16 hour work days or mass casualties, it is about the drama of being one of 5 females in a deployed unit.


The inexorable and unrelenting distortion of me began with something as assassin as being made the first example of the entire unit.

On our fifth day in theater,our unit returned from a mission at 2100. The entire mechanic shop was involved in repairing a very badly battle damaged tactical vehicle. We didn't wrap the project up until around 330 am, and a fellow army buddy that I hadn’t known more than a week was leaving around 6am the same morning. He told me to call him, so he could be up and ready to pass down some misc. items he thought i might be able to use, as well as give me some music.

Directly after leaving the shop, I followed a fellow coworker (whom I would never stretch as far as to call a friend of any sort, but nevertheless was gracious enough to let me follow him to his room to borrow his thumb drive tp his room, and Around 3:45 am, I arrived at my fellow army buddies room.With the door open,i sat in his chair, and selected music from his computer to transfer to the thumb drive. among other misc. items, he gave me a clean set of his army PT gear. (i thought my fellow buddies would get a kick out of a sailor wearing their PT gear!)Roughly half an hour later i finished up the music transfer and left, to visit my best friend, h.

The following afternoon, i was counseled and told that someone had written a * sworn * statement, reading that i was not only IN my army buddies room *WITH THE DOOR CLOSED*, but apparently, we were going at it for quite some time, and had been so loud that it woke the (said) person.

The very next morning, h informed me i had a DRB to go to.

In my ENTIRE NAVAL CAREER, my professionalism, demeanor, or mannerisms have EVER been called in to question. I soon found myself standing at attention, answering to seven higher up's who were hell bent on forcing me to admit to something i simply hadn't done. I was livid, but remained calm, and decided my truth was more than enough evidence to shame not only my accuser, but the entire review board for ever entertaining such atrocities.

Because i had remained honest and there was no evidence whatsoever that i had done any wrong, the only thing i was called out on was my mere presence in a male hooch (hut/hallway) which unbeknownst to me, was against regulations.

A regulation that while i had to perform a months worth of extra duties for, was changed two weeks later.

My reputation here downspiraled as it never stood a chance after that.



i found it progressively difficult to mask both My vexation and irritation as h dealt with my discredit in the most absurdly unrefined way imaginable. needless to say we were not on speaking terms. while I found it rueful to even look into his general direction, I found myself unintentionally glancing behind me. We had been like peas and carrots before this, and something like this? It simply made no sense at all.

The next few weeks is where I came to Find that the more I hung out with my new friends Ollie and j, the less afflicted I found my heart. Ollie, j and I were the best of friends, who had the capacity to turn any 20 minute dinner into a two hour laughterfest, flled with insurmountable delight.In all honesty, There was rarely a dull moment. My heart still ached to be around my best friend though.

After my former husband told me he was no longer interested in communication of any caliber with me, being around ollie and j proved to be quite the diversion from both my former husbands rejection, and my best friends precariously shifty friendship. Suffice it to say, that my heart went through much more than the average heart should go through in a years worth, and my spirit was disheartened. Whats more, is i never tried to hide it. not from anyone. i simply pushed forward.

In the time that h and i rarely spoke (or only spoke in passing) The only solace i found was with ollie and j. j would take out his guitar and play "puff the magic dragon" for me, when i was especially downhearted, as it was my favorite. Within the previous and passing weeks, I still kept myself going to the gym everyday, and after chow with ollie and j, ollie and i would shoot hoops. After which, i would call home ("home" being my mother). As h and i made progress in our friendship, i would go to his room to hang out after playing hoops.

As soon as h and i were back to normal, it seemed that something had always gotten in the way. Weather it was consoling ollie, (spending time around him after dinner, and what have you), or me being perceived to be "over friendly" toward new friends i had been making,(rogers, in particular) or hanging out with ollie and the EOD guys, nothing i did seemed to make my best friend happy. WHICH STANK. it was almost as if i had to no longer speak to my friends to appease him.

Two weeks ago, he found me in a compromising impassioned frenzied arrangement with my good friend j, and he swore he would never speak to me again. Less than a week later we were better friends than ever, who overcame the most merciless misunderstandings.

Two evenings ago, i popped my lunesta for the first time, and went to grab something to eat with it from the chow hall so i wouldn't make myself sick. I was invited to a friends room to watch a movie. My intent was not to stay for a prolonged period of time, but my medicine kicked in much sooner than i had expected, and after curfew i was awakened by my chain of commands knock on my friends door. apparently i had been knocked out cold, and was in a deep amount of trouble.

Last night, i found myself once again, standing at attention in front of the very same higher ups that tried to fry me in the beginning. At the position of attention, i had no excuse other than "i fell asleep" to explain myself with.

Sure, it was automatically assumed that i was in a comprimising situation, and took advantage of my "assets", but i can rest knowing that from the beginning, these bastards tried to break my spirit.

though they curbed my enthusiasm for a great while since our arrival in theatre, they only strengthened my resolve.

And my best friend is gone, to boot. Someone with whom i shared so much of myself, i will never see again.

To this very day, he remains an oblivious impenetrable figure in my life whom i care for more than i should, and is seemingly impervious to my adulation for him.

To this day, I still have to look over my shoulder as to ensure my urine stream doesn’t falter in its direction, or the next thing I know, ill be standing at attention once again, accounting for using too much toilet paper.