Trust.

lately ive been thinking about trust, and where it comes from and how we as humans find the means to objectives to maintain it.
unfortunately, and often unbeknownst to the majority of the populous, it is my opinion that a person, or we as people unintentionally decide who they want to trust from the moment they meet them.
based on nothing more reliable than my own meandering experience, if you meet someone, develop feelings of friendship or other fondness, and are hesitant to actually *WANT* to trust someone because you have been hurt in the past; you will FIND reasons to not trust them.

In my personal experience, your subconscious will unintentionally and parenthetically CREATE reasons and prove theory's from circumstances within your outlook to justify this. i find this to not only be counter productive , but in the end, you will inevitably come out on the losing end. beit hurt feelings, or "wow that really happened"
illegitimate way of recovering from past bad experiences. though you may have thought you were justified in finding the person you have grown to care about you will lose. you cheat yourself.

exonorated

Apparently, shoveling gravel/large and medium sized rocks from the flight line onto the gator (small ATV like vehicle with 6 wheels) for three and a half hours has caught up with me. not only am i sore all over, but my tailbone hurts :(

leave it to me to find the positive in this; as fortunately for me,. i am rarely unable to recognize the "beauty from pain"
shoveling all of that damned gravel gave me all the time to think that i could ask for.

So i thought....and i thought, and i analyzed....and true to the kayla that you all know and love, you can bet your paws that i OVER analyzed. The more i thought, analyzed and over analyzed, i began to rationalize that i need to yet again emanate building up certain walls in which to protect myself from all of the ugliness in the world. the repulsiveness that comes from misunderstandings, people, accusations,situations....so i am electing to do something different. i am going to "do me". My heart cant afford to even think about doing anything else. At all.

While my family will still be my main focus, i have absolutely no business seeking out ridiculousness such as romance any time soon. apparently this is something i had learned the hard way after something i experimented shortly after my failed marriage.

I suppose i am just finding reasons in which to channel the happiness that's been hiding in my back pocket lately because i have so much to take on this year. This is the year of surprises, new beginnings, forgiveness, and new challenges. I am nowhere near focused on affairs of the heart. I now have far more important things to think about.

I chose the person i married, and we all know how well that worked out for me,so this time i am letting God choose my soul mate.

I am just so blessed with a realistic yet positive outlook, and this is mostly due to the fact that these past few months, i have overcome a plethora of ludicrous bullshit. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie, including personal relationships with certain people, as in the past few months i have found it ineffective to beat a dead horse. When things arent meant to be, they just arent meant to be.
No matter how bad the heart might want it to be.

I've come to recognize that the person God chooses for me will be a better fit than the last person i married. He will be emotionally strong, authoritative when the need arises, affectionate, and perhaps a little cheesy. I'm so over giving myself to others who saturate my heart with their watered down affections. I should be told i kick ass on a regular basis, and i should expect nothing less of what i give. Which has been the case in the past.
I am kayla, and a little affection goes a long way with me.
but lately, a LITTLE MORE AFFECTION goes further.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

it's the little things that get me missing him. Teeny little things that you wouldnt expect. Last week i was watching tom and jerry, and just seeing the character tom make this super cheesy kissy face reminded me of him. a day or so ago, a friend taught me to do "tha stanky leg" dance, and again, i was reminded of the inside joke i had with my friend.
Being reminded of a certian someone has the capacity to sting beyond reproach.
i am just missing him.
It's about a quarter mile walk to the shower. Before i lost my very good friend, i would detour to his room on my way to the shower and say a quick hello.

for the past week i've completely avoided my normal route to the shower. just looking in the general direction of my friends old hooch would tug at my heart, pushing it to the bottom of my colon. (which, for the record, is quite a distance further than it's normal resting place).
I had been opting for an alternate route, to avoid any further pain brought on by memories in passing of our developed friendship throughout the entire duration of training and deployment.
Last night, i swallowed my sadness, took a deep breath, and elected to take my "normal" route to my evening shower, right past his hooch.
And i was alright.
I didnt feel pain.
The tug at my heart was because i *missed* him. It wasnt hurt.it was love. What the heck was i so afraid of?
Swallowing my sadness and walking *past* it, not around it, helped me to say goodbye to the memory of a good friend.
because that is what he wishes to remain.

aaaaaaaaaaand we're back in business

..it would seem that i am finding my way back to happiness, one teeny step at a time.

......things that made me happy this week:
1) getting a box of BANANA BREAD oatmeal to go :)

2)finally walking past an old friends room, and saying goodbye to a fond memory of the friendship i once had with that person.
3) a good friend (jones)cheering me up with a single gesture, buying me a monster "khaos", because i absolutely refused to fork over four dollars :) i typically dont drink energy beverages, but this one is GOOD!!! id had it twice before (within the last 4 years) and well...the gesture made me blush :)
4)CHANGING MY PROFILE SONG (with help!) it's dedicated to that certian friend

i think i am on my way to beating these blues ive been having!!!

music continues to be the bain of my existence

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight
Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer
That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true

And even though I know how very far apart we are
It helps to think we might be wishing on the same bright star

And when the night wind starts to sing a lonesome lullaby
It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky

Somewhere out there if love can see us through
Then we'll be together somewhere out there
Out where dreams come true